While wide awake, at 3am, on the eve of my 29th
birthday, I came across the quote, “Don’t Die Before You’re Dead”. Sure, my
motto is “You Only Live Once” (and it
was before it was cool, I might add), but have I really followed that motto? Do
I really live life to the fullest? Am I dying before I am dead? This is not a
post about how depressed I am to be entering the last year of my 20’s (but let’s
face it, that is pretty crazy!)
however, the age I am turning has made me look back at what I have done, and
who I have become, over the last 10-15 years, and if I am happy about it.
Within the last month I have, once again, began soul
searching for what I want out of life (career, school, family, etc.) and these
thoughts, as usual, brought me down and made me feel like a loser. I ask myself, “What the fuck have I done in
the last 10 years?!?” And the answer is, “Pretty much nothing!” I have stopped
and started community college too many times, I had to leave culinary school
based on financial hardship (which I am still pissed about), I have been
married, divorced, and married again, and I have had a heaping handful of jobs,
none of which meant anything to me. On top of these thoughts, I continue to
have health issues that just don’t seem to ever end (referring to my extensive
dental work, my back injury, and my newly found heel spurs and planters fasciitis)
I now stop myself and question if I should even be writing
this. I can see how this is starting to all sound like a total pity party, and
that most people will probably read this (well, the few who actually do) and
think I should just stop complaining because others have it worse. I’m well
aware of how minute my issues could be compared to others, but I also know that you can’t
compare scars. One person’s mole hill is another person’s mountain. It’s been
11 years since the night I attempted suicide and the memory of how alone and worthless
I felt is always with me. So, trust me when I say that I know things can be
worse and I know that I am in a better place than I was in 2004 but it doesn’t
make my current hardships any more pleasant. I have begun to figure out,
though, that now is a time that I need to stop living for who I should be, and
just be!
When I was thinking, this week, about the tattoos I wish I would
have gotten, or the weight I should have lost, or even the career paths I could have followed, I paused and told myself, “you aren’t dead yet!” Which
brought the quote I came across this morning full circle. I believe that over
the last couple years I really have just been living to die. All my focus was
on all the things I didn’t do, and how it’s “too late” to follow certain
dreams, but it’s not. I’m turning 29, not 89. And even if I was turning 99
tomorrow, I am still alive, and still have the opportunity to make my life what
I want it to be. Although I have come to this conclusion, I still don’t have the
answers to all my questions, and I am okay with that.
My 29th year will be the year that I stop
worrying about tomorrow and start living for today.
Until next time…
