Unplugging (part 2) and Social Media

Three posts within one week?! That is definitely a new record!

I originally posted about wanting/trying to unplug from my phone a little more in One Week Later: Chloe Update and Starting to Unplug. After speaking to a friend, I thought back and wondered if the way I explained my feelings about the situation came off too harsh and possibly too aggressive (that is if anyone really read it and took any of it to heart haha)

I wanted to just clear the air, for myself, that I did (and do) truly appreciate everyone who made the effort to keep in contact with me during the roller coaster ride of Chloe's sickness. It was not my intention to come off ungrateful or unappreciative with that rant. I did, however, still learn from that experience that I actually set myself up for people to assume I would, and could, reply rather promptly. I have almost always had the habit of, as soon as I hear the chime of a text message, go to my phone (or look at it if it is next to me) and respond within seconds. So, for those to now not receive a response that quickly, I can see how that may have warranted some worry or justified a second message when I did not get back to them.

Now that life has calmed downed a bit, I do not plan on jumping back into my old habit of having my phone attached to my hip. So, I apologize in advance to those who may text me and it takes me a little while to continue on the conversation. I do not love you any less or dislike talking to you now, I just need to detached myself a bit.

I also mentioned, in that earlier post, that although I wont be on my phone as much, I am still going to keep up my Instagram, Facebook, and blog(s). I know that some find most social media use a cry for attention, or portraying a sense of falseness, but in my case, I have really relied on it for motivation and support. At least when it comes to Instagram, I connect with organizations and others that are also tackling this uphill battle known as sobriety, and have gained a good amount of "friends" who are on Weight Watchers and we support and motivate each other through our posts and communication. As for Facebook, I still struggle with the "point" of it but I started to see more use for the site once Chloe was sick and I was able to reach every one with a mass update (and many people sent love and support back our way)

Overall, I felt the need to write this post for myself. Not to just clarify one of the previous posts but to also keep on track with my positive thinking. I noticed the past few posts seemed to have a negative tone, sort of ranting in each one, and that is not the goal for this blog (or this year!)

Until next time...

Hey, Motivation! Where Did You Go?

I wanted to write a blog to share my lack of motivation and discipline within my weight loss journey, but I didn't know where to start. Until I came across this:

It then seemed to all make sense! I can find the motivation, every time for anything, but to keep it, and make the changes a habit is the true issue!

I sat here for a minute and tried to find a time that I had motivation to do something, did it, and stuck to it. The only thing I could think of was my commitment to being sober. This realization brought happiness and pride but also disappointment. In 28 years, that's the only thing?! And I only found that motivation six months ago!

I can come up with a ton of reasons (excuses) to why I have lost motivation and quit each situation. Currently, I am explaining to myself that due to the stress of the last few weeks with my dog (she was very ill), I have just been distracted and fallen off the wagon. However, she is better now, and what did I have last night for dinner? Nation's! And what did I have for dinner two nights before that? Pizza! So, what is my excuse then? There are other reasons (excuses) to why I am frustrated with Weight Watchers and those are based on my dietary choices. I am a vegetarian and I do believe you have more variety within this program if you consume animal products (the only one I still consume is dairy; and I am trying to limited that). Things I used to cook at home, on a regular basis, consisted of items that are very high points (rice and bean burritos, pasta, etc.) and now I need to stray from my normal weekly menu to make sure I am following program. Of course I know I can eat all those things still on Weight Watchers and just bulk it up with more vegetables but, at that point, I feel like I am on a "diet" and isn't that what Weight Watchers prides themselves not to be?!

If I was asked, right now, if I wanted to quit Weight Watchers and just say, "screw it", I would say, "no way!". But if I am not sticking to the plan then why do I want to stay? And how can I go about getting my motivation back and making healthy choices and weight loss a habit? I guess that is the million dollar question...

Until next time...

One Week Later: Chloe Update and Starting to Unplug

A week ago I did a little venting about my sick dog and how I balance stress and life. Boy, has the last 7 days tested my will, patience, motivation, and strength!

My pup did end up getting diagnosed with pancreatitis and we moved forward with treatment that following day. It was a rough (no pun intended!) She had vet visits everyday, one of which she was there for 10 hours with a constant IV; she was not responding well to certain medicines, and, at one point, there was talk of having to "open her up" to find out what the hell was going on! But today, we received some good news (finally!) Her pancreatitis is almost completely treated and her other tests are not showing any other concerning results. The hope is now that she is back on track to a full recovery and she will once again be my happy, and healthy Chloe!

I do take pride that I handled the hard week relatively well. Minus a few food indulgences, I stayed strong and calm throughout the hardest of the bad days. I also didn't slack off (too much) with my school work. With my online English course, our weekly assignments are due every Sunday night. Because of my situation, I barely even looked at the assignment until Sunday morning. I was half tempted to blow it off and accept a "0" and just move forward, however, I knew that that choice would just start me off on the complete wrong foot for this semester and I did not want that. So, in true procrastinator fashion, I started my lengthy assignment at 2pm and completed it with 3 hours to spare (due time was 11pm) While doing it, I definitely wanted to say "screw it" and go back to the couch and watch TV but I toughed it out and was very proud of myself for doing so.

In other news, this whole situation has opened my eyes to how attached I am/was to my phone. I know this seems like a random statement but hear me out (or read me out? hrm...) I was receiving an overwhelming amount of text messages throughout this week asking for updates on Chloe. Of course, it meant so much that my closest friends and family were concerned and wanted to make sure she was okay, however, there were times that I, myself, needed to be "okay", and that consisted of being left alone. That may sound harsh, but as most people know, I am very much an introvert and I do not like to be overloaded with social activity, especially when I am trying to process some very tough emotions (and keep in mind, this is the first serious/emotional situation since I have been sober, and that added in some extra stress) I did update those as I received new information however, it just would have been nice if some people realized that if I didn't respond within a few hours, it didn't mean I wasn't going to not respond at all. It just meant I was dealing with a lot and when I made the time to regurgitate all the information that was being thrown out at me they would be the first on the list to receive a reply.

With all that being said, I am distancing myself from my phone just a little bit more from here on out. It doesn't mean I love anyone any less, or that I am going through any sort of depression, I just didn't like the feeling I got with having to jump up and reply to every message as it came in. And when I didn't respond, people worried or freaked out. Of course I will still be posting on Istagram, browsing my Facebook, and keeping up on my blog(s) but there will be times that my phone is left in my purse, or up on the counter on silent. And, before anyone gets offended, I am not referring to anyone specifically so please, no one take this personal!

It's only the first month of this new year and I have already been challenged! But I have learned from my past and am confident that I won't let all that has happened so far, throw me off my path towards a happier, healthier me!

Until next time...

Here We Go Again...Sort Of

Only a couple days into the semester and I have already dropped one course (Astronomy), and I am extremely distracted (and emotionally drained) due to my dogs health issues. Is there a pattern here?!?

Spring semester 2014: Family health issues, Grandpa passed, I have emergency surgery, and a hospital stay.
Fall semester 2014: Still battling with my own health issues from Spring and have new, extensive, dental problems to take care of.
Spring semester 2015 (so far): Chloe has a dental procedure and has some serious complications from the anesthesia and meds. Almost non-stop vomiting and very limited water intake (pretty much not drinking at all)

Yesterday we finally started to get some answers about what may be going on with poor Chloe. The good news is that test results showed no obstruction in her stomach and/or intestines but the bad news was some of her blood work came back "off".

Ironically enough, she is now being tested for pancreatitis! We should have those test results today and I am praying that it is not that! However, the vet does believe that if it is, her levels are low enough that we could jump into medication and she would, potentially, bounce back quickly.

Now, I know there are those who work full-time, have babies, have ill parents to take care of, all while going to school. I 110% admire that! And I, by no means, am looking for any sympathy for my "problems" that have kept me from succeeding in school. I just know myself, I know how much I can mentally and physically handle. School is a priority, yes, but school is on a long list of priorities and is not necessarily at the top. I do not foresee myself dropping the other two classes but I also do not want to feel (or be made to feel like) a "bad" person for choosing to take care of my family, myself, or my fur babies over wearing myself thin, taking a full load of classes.

I still have the same mindset as my "Hello 2015!" post; that my end goal is to still achieve some sort of scholastic degree but it may take me twice the amount of time that it takes my peers who either have the same, or more, personal struggles.

I think my rant is over now...

Until next time...

Positive Thinking

While browsing the internet, I came across a quote that I felt summed up my "health" goals for 2015:

This is exactly what I meant in my last blog about taking care of myself in more ways than just physically. And not just falling in love with taking care of yourself but truly loving yourself! I definitely feel like I am headed in the right direction so far. I am keeping up my motivation up with Weight Watchers and I have found new interest in being active (pushing myself to walk more, even if it is just a couple times around my complex) I am really trying to stay positive this year and I know that positivity will help me reach this goal.

Speaking of positivity, school starts on Monday and I am preparing myself for the work load and prepping my mind to stay focused, motivated, and, you guessed it, positive! I was able to pick up my books for all three of my classes yesterday, and was just a tad bit overwhelmed when I saw all the novels I had to buy for my English course. Of course, I know it is English but I was still not expecting six, relatively thick, books! After the initial fear, I looked at the bright side and figured that, since this is a fiction class, the books probably wouldn't be so bad, as far as interest level (I have already had a few people tell me that they have enjoyed a few of the required books for this course)

The bottom two books are not for my English course but for my Astronomy and Psychology courses. I am hopeful that the classes I enrolled in this semester and as interesting as they sound. Last semester I was very disappointed when the Anthropology that I enrolled in was extremely tedious and didn't really meet the description offered by the schools catalog. These courses are also, all, transferable to a CSU, which is great! 

Anyways, I am looking forward to relaxing (trying to) and zoning out on some T.V. the next two days before jumping back into the school routine.

Until next time...

Hello 2015!

Surprisingly, I am having a hard time finding inspiration for my "New Year; New Me" post. Why this is surprising to me is because I am so motivated to make this year better than the last (and lets face it, those who know me, know that's probably not going to be too hard since 2014 sucked!)

My original plan was to write a post similar to the one I wrote for the start of 2014; bullet point my resolutions and goals and explain my plan of action to reach them. However, as I stared at my computer, longing for my writers block to vanish, I realized I didn't need a format for how I wanted to share my thoughts for the new year; I am just going to write.

I woke up this morning with a text message (a few text messages but this one stood out) from my oldest friend, telling me she is thankful for us rekindling our "best friend" status and that she loved me. This meant so much because, #1. She is not the most emotionally open person, and #2. I have always struggled to find friends that I could truly be myself with, not walk on eggshells with, and ones that wanted to put the same amount of love and effort into our friendship as I did. Don't get me wrong, I have been on the opposite end of this; where I have been the friend not reciprocating the effort, and I regret some of those situations, but I also need to move forward knowing that every one makes mistakes and everything happens for a reason. I cannot harbor any animosity to those who have hurt me and I do not want to hold any grudges. It brings too much negativity. I hope those who I have hurt can also let go and move forward. So, to those who I have become closer to within 2014, I thank you for your friendship. It was a hard year and know that your support has meant a lot!

Being healthy is a main goal for 2015; as I am sure it is for everyone at the start of every new year. For me, I have to take it seriously. It is not just about losing the extra weight I have put on over the last 8 years or so, but about feeling better about myself on the inside. Mental health goes hand in hand with physical health, and I need to work on both. As of this month (end of the month technically), I will be 6 months sober. Plenty of people assumed my drinking and partying days were just me growing up and having fun but it was more than that. Of course, I am learning that I do not need to justify my choice for being sober to anyone, or explain the who, what, when, where and whys, however, I can say that it sucked being invited to parties because I was the one who got everyone to drink and have fun, or to be known as the one who drank too much and got crazy. Either way, I am tackling all the issues that come with being sober head on (and trust me, when you use a substance to push down emotions for many years and then you take it away, plenty of issues come up)

School is definitely "an elephant in the room" when I think of goals for 2015. 2014 brought a few failed attempts with taking school seriously (and for a few justified reasons) which broke down my focus and motivation. Part of getting myself mentally healthy is to not beat myself up, and school is a subject that I always get down on myself for. I'm done with feeling like I need a clear vision in my scholastic journey, just because I should have one. Guess what? I don't! And that is okay. I'm not "less than" because of this. I have come to realize though, that receiving a degree (both Associates and Bachelors) are personal goals that I would like to accomplish in my lifetime. Of course I hope the Associates is in the near future but I am not setting a timeline on the other because I know, from experience, life happens. I also know that with wanting to start a family sometime soon, school will not be my #1 priority, and I am okay with that. I am so very lucky to have a husband who supports me, emotionally and financially, and I do not take that for granted. One day I will receive my degree and at that time I will most likely get back into the work force and hopefully enjoy the job I am getting paid to do (that's the ultimate goal, right?) Until then, I am going to chip away at my general education, and transfer requirements (because Sonoma State is still my end game), try to enjoy myself, and I potentially find the path I want to travel.

So, as I sit here, on my second cup of coffee, I reflect on the last 365 days. I am going into 2015 with a clearer vision of who I am, and who I want to be because of all the curve balls 2014 threw at me. For that, I thank you 2014.

Goodbye (and good riddance) 2014; Hello 2015!!

Until next time...